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As a mental health advocate I say you have to talk – yet I wasn’t doing it myself." I felt stuck in this world where I can’t talk to someone. She said: "I couldn’t go to a counsellor because if I tell them I’m gay they might tell someone. She feared being pulled from Team GB if she asked about taking antidepressants. The following day, Kelly won silver but still did not seek help. "Yet at the same time I had this pull to succeed, thinking, if I win gold it will all be okay." "I cut myself on the arms and legs because I felt I had no control over myself. She recalled: "I was in a holding camp bathroom and literally wanted to scream so loud, I put the tap on to dull my tears. "I’d think, ‘No one talks about it in the sport, how do I suddenly say I’m gay? I can’t because I’m admitting that I broke the law in the Army’."įeeling desperate, she cut herself with scissors before the 2003 World Championships finals in France. She said: "When I got injured or ill I would cry all the time because all I needed to do was get back running, because if I didn’t get back running my brain was just going mad." Kelly Holmes at the Athens Olympics in 2004īut by 2003,aged 33, she was plagued by injuries which caused her mental health to plummet. You could be yourself, then come back to your barracks." "There was this pub that had a back dance floor and a pool table and everyone we knew was gay used to go to this place. She continued: "Everybody knew who was gay, but you'd never talk about it. Kelly had secret relationships with other female soldiers during her decade in the Army - risking court martial if they were caught. I was confused and a bit scared of what it meant and nervous to tell him. She added: "I said I met a girl and I don't know what to do. She wrote to her stepdad, who she has always thought of as her father after her biological dad walked out when she was a baby, to explain what had happened. It felt more natural, I felt comfortable." A fellow soldier kissed her at the bathroom block and Kelly said: "I realised I must be gay then, because it felt good. Things changed after she joined the Women's Royal Army Corps in 1988, a month before her 18th birthday. The moment this comes out, I’m essentially getting rid of that fear."ĭouble Olympic champion Dame Kelly Holmes DBE during a rank inspection after being made an Honorary Colonel of the Royal Armoured Corps Training Regiment (RACTR) at the regiment's home in Bovington, Dorset (Image: Andrew Matthews/PA Wire) I feel like I’m going to explode with excitement. Wearing a white blazer and white flared trousers, she told the Mirror: "I needed to do this now, for me. Dread of being "outed" or judged tainted a parade after she won gold in the 800 and 1,500 metres in Athens in 2004.įully aware of rumours about her sexuality and after years of pain, Dame Kelly is grateful to break the news on her own terms.Her barracks were raided in a search for proof of same-sex relationships.Fears of being prosecuted - at a time when being gay was banned from the Forces - forced her into silence.She was a 17-year-old soldier when she first realised she was gay after a female comrade kissed her.Years of self-harm included one episode at the World Championships. Bottling things up triggered breakdowns and left her suicidal.A scary brush with Covid made her realise that she needed - and wanted - to show the world her "real self".In a heart-rending interview, she reveals: Read more: 'The discrimination was really hard' - Newcastle Hospitals boss speaks out for LGBTQ+ History Month And behind her beaming smile, she has lived a "secret life" for decades.Īnd Kelly admits: "There have been lots of dark times where I wish I could scream that I am gay - but I couldn't." Olympics legend Dame Kelly Holmes has broken a silence of more than three decades too tell the world: "I'm gay."Īt the age of 52 and in Pride Month, Kelly came out to the Sunday Mirror at the age of 52.